2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Is it penis luge time yet?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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