I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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