Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
