wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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