I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
