he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Are we still banned from the library?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
