i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
