Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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