He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
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