does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
