I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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