so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
