and my herpes radar will keep us safe
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
