When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
operation harelip BJ is a go
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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