Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
