final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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