Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
