This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
