I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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