Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
