My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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