Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
