I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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