onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
