he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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