someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
