drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
