It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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