How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
