I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
