Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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