i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
