Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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