Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
