I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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