I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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