Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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