im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
