Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
