The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
