Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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