there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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