The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
