guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
