I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
