A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
