I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
