Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We are two peas in an std pod
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
