Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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