My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
