im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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