dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
