and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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