OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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