he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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